Strike Zone (2000)

 

Strike Zone (2000)- * *

Directed by: J. Christian Ingvordsen

Starring: Frank Zagarino, Joe Lara, Rick Washburn, Richard Lynch, and Billy Drago

Alex Goddard (Drago) is your sort of generic, all-purpose baddie (are you surprised he's played by Billy Drago?) and he is involved in the lucrative world of international missile guidance technology sales. Lt. Rick Burns (Zags), Dunk Stevens (Lara) and Adm. Douglas Lamport (Lynch) are tasked to stop him. As we, the audience, are whipsawed from Sofia, Bulgaria, to Saugus, California, to Fort Dix, New Jersey, to a bathtub with some toy submarines, to the "Lost City of Rajkumar" and many other places along the way, we have to root for the stock footage, I mean, heroes, in their brave, pre-9/11 fight against terrorism and overwhelming smarm.


According to MLB.com, the strike zone is baseball terminology for the imaginary three-dimensional space over home plate. A pitch passing through this area is a strike if the batter does not swing. Its boundaries are based on the batter's stance and height. According to comeuppancereviews.net, Strike Zone (2000) is a low-budget, low-rent crudsplosion comprised mostly of stock footage and Frank Zagarino's workout routines.


It is actually impressive how our old buddy J. Christian Ingvordsen managed to create a full-length feature film out of what is essentially nothing: just some scraps, seemingly. It would probably be more accurate to call this an assemblage, rather than a traditional film. But he did manage an Armstrong (1998) reunion: fan-favorites Zags, Lynch, and Lara are all here, as is Drago and Ingvordsen mainstay Rick Washburn. Presumably, Ingvordsen had to pay them, so Strike Zone must have had some sort of budget. But it doesn't exactly show. The "new footage" that's sewn in with the rest has that "backyard" feel to it, like everyone was just kind of having fun on their own terms. But how could you have any other sort of attitude when you have to react to what looks like Air Force training footage half the time?


You gotta love Zags. For most humans, we would have to TRY to have that level of monotone. He must come by it honestly, as they say. There is no inflection or variation whatsoever in any of the words he says. He's basically a human dialtone. You have to wait about 40 minutes for Lara to show up, but when he does eventually act opposite Zags, simply by comparison he seems to have this wildly manic energy.


Then we get a Never Say Die (1994) reunion of Billy Drago and Zags. Most of Drago's scenes were shot in the classic abandoned warehouse that we all know and love. The whole endeavor is Junko with a capital J, there's an "NNC" news broadcast, an inexplicable demolition derby scene, and miniatures that would have Antonio Margheriti ranting and raving in his grave.


Our question: is this what non-U.S. citizens think America and American films, and American behavior is LIKE? Strike Zone, naturally, never came out here in the good old U.S. of A, presumably because Giants Entertainment knew that the citizens here would know better. We worry that films (?) like Strike Zone give an inaccurate impression of America and its (mostly) fine citizens to the rest of the world. But on a positive note, I definitely think you could say it's well-edited, or at least somewhat cleverly edited. But they should have gotten a proofreader: someone misspelled both Sofia, as in Bulgaria, and Giuliani, as in mayor Rudolph (who was thanked in the end credits). The timing was fortuitous for America's Mayor, because in a few weeks after the release of Strike Zone, he'd be a bit busier with something else. But before that certain day, he clearly must have been a big help in the creation of...Strike Zone.


Frank Zagarino was Striker (1988). Now he's front and center in Strike Zone. Was this just a coincidence, or were the filmmakers trying to trick people (i.e. the world market that they clearly hate and have no respect for) into thinking this is some sort of Striker sequel? Or does Zags just like striking things? In any case, it's all Airboss-adjacent. Final note: some sources list Strike Zone as being 111 minutes. Thankfully, the version we watched was hovering somewhere around the 90-minute mark. It's hard to imagine how or why an almost 2-hour version of Strike Zone may exist, but if you ever did want to check it out, don't be scared off by that terrifying running time.


It's safe to say that Strike Zone is for completists only. It's far from a must-see, but if you like anybody involved with the production, are an aspiring editor, or want a couple of yuks and/or laffs, you could actually do worse. Not MUCH worse, mind you, but it is technically possible.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

The Caretaker (2025)

The Caretaker (2025)- * * *

Directed by: Fady Jeanbart

Starring: Robert Bronzi, Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, Paul Logan, Neva Leoncini, Avaryana Rose, Mark Justice, Jacob "Madman Fulton" Southwick, Brett Benowitz, and Daniel Baldwin

"I know you're not much of a talker" - Hudson

On the far outskirts of Las Vegas, old ghost towns have become tourist attractions. Someone has to take care of them. Someone has to be a CARETAKER, if you will. In the case of one particular dusty ol' burg, that happens to be a mysterious man named Adam (Bronzi). We don't know much about him, but presumably his name is Adam Caretaker. He doesn't talk a lot but when he does, it is with a thick accent of unknown origin. Adam is depressed because he has lost his daughter Grace (Leoncini). Occasionally, his buddy Hudson (Jackson), a musclebound preacher, comes by to cheer him up and keep him company. Other than that, nothing much happens around these parts. 

That is, until a crime boss named Draco (Baldwin) enters the picture. His daughter Gina (Rose) has become stranded in Adam's "off-season" ghost town (can these places have an off-season when it's blazing sunlight year round?). So Draco does what any self-respecting crime boss does, he sends his favorite goons to leave L.A. and go and retrieve Gina. His "pack of cards" baddies include Joker (Justice), Ace (Southwick), Jack (Benowitz), and their leader, naturally, is King (Logan). Draco tells them not to fail in their mission because Draco is dying of a terminal illness and doesn't have much time left to live. But what are Draco's true motives? The stage is now set for an all-out showdown between The Caretaker, Gina, and Hudson, and Draco's goons. Who will take care of who?

We're huge Robert Bronzi fans, so we're always excited when a new Bronzi film is released. As the Death Kiss poster states, "Justice has a familiar face", and we're glad he exists and is continuing to make movies. As seems to be the norm these days, it took many, many production companies to come together to make The Caretaker. They must think that Bronzi is in his Jason Statham era, because just as Statham's film titles say what he is - A Working Man (2025), or The Beekeeper (2024), for example, so have Bronzi's recent films, The Gardener (2021) and The Caretaker, say what he is. The plots even follow a fairly similar structure to Statham's, but with far less budget. That's not necessarily a bad thing, just an observation. The Bronzi titles may be subtly hinting to potential viewers that they're in for a similar viewing experience, that they're on the same par as Statham's. Where everything comes together is that Statham was The Mechanic (2011), and so was Charles Bronson (1972). 

When we first meet The Caretaker, it seems he's just the caretaker of a bunch of rocks. We didn't know that was a job that someone could have, but maybe it is in Nevada. Then Adam has to deal with these annoying punk teens, and then we thought, "Poor The Caretaker. He has it rough". Then, of course, he has to deal with Draco's goons, and to the movie's credit, each of them has a fairly unique personality. The "deck of cards" gang has a certain resonance with Reservoir Dogs's color-coded guys. Joker is indeed always joking around and wears obviously color-clashing clothes. Ace is a hulking MMA brute with long dreadlocks, Jack is a sniper with a Dr. Who scarf, and of course the leader, King, is Paul Logan. He is the owner of the Prerequisite Strip Club - a must to have in modern-day DTV. Back in 2014, in our Ballistica (2009) review, we said - to quote ourselves - "Something tells me we haven't seen the last of Logan!" Okay, I just added the exclamation point for fun, but, twelve years later, we were proven correct. Sadly, he doesn't do any Ballistica, but we were happy he was here nonetheless. 

That's the thing about The Caretaker - they actually got some names: Bronzi, Jackson, Baldwin, and Logan. This shows that they care about us, the DTV fans. That sort of appreciation goes a long way. The plot is a classic action setup (if not an old-time Western setup), there is plenty of punching and shooting (we didn't much care for the CGI blood and muzzle flashes but we'd be willing to gently look the other way on that), and we also appreciated that they didn't bother with a huge backstory. There's no wasted time. Draco wants his daughter back. Goons go to get her. Bronzi fights the goons. End of movie. You gotta love that. 

But there is just enough plot and heart to stop this from being a completely mindless beat-up/shootfest: Gina closely resembles Adam's deceased and long-missed daughter. Perhaps he feels that if he saves her from the danger surrounding them, he can redeem himself from what he failed to do before: save his daughter. Maybe he can even have a relationship with her. In turn, Gina can see Adam as a true father figure that she never had. Not an amoral gangster who doesn't care about her, but a man with morals and integrity. Draco wants his daughter back just because he's used to getting what he wants. Adam may never get his true daughter back, but he can find a surrogate in Gina, perhaps. It involves alpha males with daughters in a battle for supremacy. 

But if that's too much to contemplate, you can just concentrate on mind-numbingly stupid punch-ups such as the one between Hudson and Ace. In just one scene, at the strip club, there is this one guy wearing a black turtleneck who resembles Bronson Pinchot/Balki. He stood out in the scene because it was just so funny and weird. 

All in all, there's a lot to like about The Caretaker. You have to already be a fan of these sorts of movies; it's not going to win you over if you're not. But we are, obviously, and you must be too if you're reading this. So, long live Bronzi and may he continue to make DTV action films for years to come!

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty