Transformed (2005)

 

Transformed (2005)- * * *

Directed by: Efren Pinon

Starring: Leo Fong, Stack Pierce, Ken Moreno, Shirlee Knudson, Tadashi Yamashita, Fred Williamson, and George Dilman

Something dastardly is happening in the city of Westgate, California. Drug dealers are running wild in the streets, even recruiting young tots into "the life". Seemingly at the top of this food chain is Cholo (Moreno). But the corruption goes way higher than that: The Mayor (presumably he's Mr. and Mrs. Mayor's son) (Pierce) is acting as a CIA front in order to move drugs to fund their secret, illegal wars. But, on a more local level, Pastor Debra (Knudson) has had enough. Utilizing all the face-punching and groin-kicking that Jesus will allow, she becomes the community hero we didn't know was in our midst during Sunday services.

But Pastor Debra is not alone in her quest to clean up the streets. Besides the aforementioned Jesus, she also has a mysterious man known only as The Fist (Fong), and, of course, The Hammer (Williamson) on her side. But she'll also have perhaps the most unexpected help of all in the form of a certain reformed, or, shall we say, TRANSFORMED man...who will it be? Do your best to try to find out!

Transformed is the type of movie we love finding. It's a gem: a true labor of love that features "real people" - and provides homespun, homemade entertainment at its finest.

However, certain people may not "get it". The production values, if you want to call them that, couldn't really be lower - think Kindergarten "Ninja" (1994) meets Streets of Rage (1993) - but it's all part of the charm. (Plotwise, think Private Wars (1993) meets Street Corner Justice (1996)). Director Pinon and the gang didn't let something trivial like a lack of money stop them from achieving their dream. This is what we have called other, similar films in the past "Backyard Action". If you go with its flow, you will have a smile on your face the entire time as you blissfully float along in its absurd wake.

There are almost too many highlights to mention, and we want you to experience them for yourself, but certain things must be noted. The whole thing kicks off - literally - with an unexplained beating, and then goes into some Commodore 64 graphics. While the release date is 2005, Transformed could easily be from 1989, if not earlier. Not long after, we see Cholo (who in one scene and one scene only is referred to as "Spiderman") running into a Pizza Hut. (This is the first time not only in cinema history, but in world history, that someone has run into a Pizza Hut. We've seen plenty of people run out of a Pizza Hut, but that's another story for another day).

Cholo has a son named Billy (of COURSE his name is Billy). He wants to keep him separate from his gangbanging life, so he plies him with quickly-received Pizza Hut food and then, after a shot of the Golden Gate Bridge, Cholo and Billy are at Disneyland. The movie stops for some sweet Disneyland footage, but doesn't explain the 400-mile distance covered in mere seconds.

Then the movie stops again so George Dilman (credited solely as "Ninja") can teach a class of what are presumably police recruits the art of attacking people using pressure points. We were happy that Transformed "Transformed" into a special-interest video about self-defense at this point. George Dilman IS a national treasure, and the fact that this was his only film is the real crime here. We later see him on a date, and he's still talking about pressure points. This guy loves his pressure points. But he can do a split just like Van Damme but you don't see him bragging about it.

Later, we see a "corruption list" typed up on Microsoft Word, complete with Clippy on the right hand side, who is only trying to help, after all. Proving this was shot in 2005 and not 1989, a partial list of names on the list includes: George W. Rush, Dick Chen, Rumsfelt Johnson, and Byrant Street (whoever that is). I guess they had to cover themselves just in case anyone in Washington watched Transformed and noticed that list and then got mad.

Fan Favorite Leo Fong is also credited with producing the film, shooting the film (along with Frank Harris, an old Fong/Stack Pierce associate), music, and editing. A Ferdinand Galang is also credited with music (whoever did it, it's far louder than the dialogue, which is muffled, and sometimes mumbled by the amateur actors). Stack Pierce all but reprises his 24 Hours to Midnight (1985) role of White Powder Chan. Werner Hoetzinger also has a behind the scenes role to play. We would have liked to have seen him re-team with his Showdown (1993) co-star Fong.

This was the last film, only American film, and only non-Philippines-shot film for director Pinon. That's a shame. The mind boggles at what he would have come up with as a follow-up to Transformed. Also, someone says about The Hammer, "He's a cleaner who doesn't come to town unless he cleans". Hm. In what may be an in-joke, The Hammer is supposedly shooting a film in the Philippines before he flies to Westgate to help Pastor Debra. (Remember in Dead Alive (1992) when Father McGruder says "I kick arse for the Lord"? Well, Pastor Debra does too). (But you don't see her bragging about it).

We'd also be remiss if we didn't mention that Tadashi Yamashita is here too, also credited as "Ninja", which could be confusing for George Dilman fans. His fight (?) with Fred Williamson may not be a classic for the ages but it's a nice display of weaponry by Yamashita.




It's not every day that a team of Pastors have onscreen credits as consultants before a low-budget action film. Pastor Debra yells "Praise Jesus!" after beating up some baddies. Presumably the Pastors said that was okay. This is the type of movie the adults may make the kids watch at some sort of sleepaway Bible camp. And we should treasure every second of it.


A wonderful oddity, do seek out Transformed. It may tranform...you.

Comeuppance Review by Brett and Ty

Seized (2020)

 Seized (2020)- * * *

Directed by: Issac Florentine

Starring: Scott Adkins, Matthew Garbacz and Mario Van Peeples 

In his former life, he was a Special Ops professional badass known only by the code name Nero (Adkins). But today, he is simply a well-meaning dad. Trying to raise a moody teen son named Taylor (Garbacz) who has angst and questions about the loss of his mother, "Nero" now works in Mexico as some sort of IT security consultant. But Nero's past comes back to haunt him in the form of Cartel head Mzamo (Van Peebles). Mzamo kidnaps Taylor, secrets him away in a room that apparently is too cold, and forces Nero to reawaken his old killer instincts and kill off Mzamo's rivals in the drug trade. Nero doesn't want to do it, of course, but he is forced to, now with Taylor's life hanging in the balance.

Given a series of increasingly difficult and dangerous assignments, Nero is coerced into wearing a bodycam so Mzamo and his goons can have a watch party as they sit around, drink muchos cervezas, and chant "Ner-o! Ner-o!" just like the Jerry Springer audience of yore. Soon, truths are revealed, conspiracies get to the top, and familial bonds may be rekindled. All thanks to the healing spirit of violence. Can Nero punch, kick, and shoot his way to the truth - and his son's love? SEIZE your remote control today!

Seized, the eighth collaboration between director Isaac Florentine and star Scott Adkins, is a fast-paced and entertaining action romp that delivers yet more goods to fans. The title Seized may put you in mind of Taken (2007), Abduction (2019, also with Adkins), Stolen (2012), Gone (2012), or perhaps a similar movie of this sort that we made up, Plucked. Some of which may include Liam Neeson, but all pretty much include a kidnapped young person that a man of action must retrieve. Hey, it was 2020 and that was the thing - as were very clear Trumpian references in some of the dialogue. Nero even works from home - very 2020.

But, plotwise, a very close parallel is Acceleration (2019). There, Natalie Burn had to drive around and do "action assignments" because Dolph was telling her to. Here, Scott Adkins must do the same because Mario Van Peebles was telling him to. We actually wouldn't recommend a double-bill of Acceleration and Seized because they're so darn similar. It would be like watching a three-hour version of the same thing.

Mario Van Peebles wears a pretty fantastic hat and his charismatic performance goes a long way, as it usually does. He's a solid foil for Adkins and they pit well against each other. In a big budget Hollywood movie, Dennis Hopper would have, could have, and should have played this role. But as Van Peebles fans we were certainly happy.

Adkins, of course, is no slouch, and in the nightclub scene we get a glimpse of what a John Wick sequel might look like if Adkins played Wick (as opposed to Killa). He's referred to as "The Best" - a classic cliche we all love - and watching him take down baddies is a joy. It was also nice to see him back in Mexico, but this time in a far better film than El Gringo (2012). He even gets his own Mel Gibson Ransom (1996) moment as he demands Mzamo give him back his son.

It's all over quite briskly at the 82-minute mark, as it should be. The audience is never even remotely close to being bored, and the photography is crisp and clear, with everything visible and vibrant.

For another Adkins/Florentine winner - we should all be thankful that they're working so well together still - be sure to check out Seized.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty