Soldier's Fortune (1991)

Soldier's Fortune (1991)- * *

Directed by: Arthur N. Mele

Starring: Gil Gerard, PJ Soles, George Buck Flower, Barbara Bingham, Janus Blythe, Cindy Guyer, Randy Harris, Wild Bill Mock, Juan Garcia, Grainger Hines, Ken Olant, Orestes Matacena, and Charles Napier

Jennifer Alexander (Guyer) and her friend Millie Prichard are just two high schoolers at cheerleading practice. Before they know it, they're being kidnapped by armed baddies who swoop down in a helicopter. Millie may or may not survive the attack. Jennifer's mother Susan (Bingham) does what any parent in that sort of situation would do: she immediately calls Robert E. Lee Jones (Gerard). A soldier of fortune (as opposed to Soldier's...Fortune), Lee, as everyone calls him, assembles a team of his former compatriots to execute the rescue mission.

Included in this team are T-Max (Flower), a grizzled old salt and current blues bar owner, Hollis Bodine (Haggerty), the town rabble-rouser and knife expert, his brother "Fresno" Bob Bodine (Mock), Low Eddie (Garcia), Big Sam (Harris), who is blind but has super-hearing, and maybe a few others. When Millie's sister Alex (Blythe) wants to join the fray, she has to overcome some classic "but you're a WOMAN!" sexism but eventually shows her mettle. But it's not going to be easy, because Col. Blair (Napier) is a longtime rival of Robert E. Lee Jones. Plus, he doesn't like him all that much. And Blair has a sidekick named Rojas (Matacena) who appears to be like Billy Drago doing a Marlon Brando impersonation. And what does Debra (Soles) have to do with any of this? Find out...today?

Gil Gerard probably hates George Peppard. One can only assume that he burned with jealousy, thinking that the "Hannibal" Smith role on the A-Team should have rightfully gone to him. Heck, their names even rhyme. Gerard probably feels the same way about Lee Majors. Once Majors became the beloved Fall Guy, Gerard must have thought he got screwed...again. Unless you count Soldier's Fortune, Gerard has been consigned to the dustbin of action history. He's just a guy with a lumbering walk who kind of looks like a cross between Treat Williams and George W. Bush. He has "Dumb Face" a la Howie Long and seems like he's going to say "HUH?" at any moment.

Thankfully, there are some quality character actors here to back him up. It was nice to see George "Buck" Flower in a solid role that isn't the town drunk. This time, he owns a bar. He's moving up in the world. His croaking voice is endearing and you gotta love him. He is also the Machine Gun Joe character this time around, but I guess he's "Machine Gun T-Max". T-Max sounds like a sort of VHS tape, but his bar sells "T-Max Tea", which is a must-try when you go to T-Max's.

We were happy Dan Haggerty was here as well. Napier gets slightly more screen time here than in Center of the Web (1992). For the supposed main baddie, we don't see him all that much. Seeing him more would have improved the proceedings overall. Ken Olandt of Digital Man (1995) fame also has a small role. Harris as Big Sam was a nice addition to the team. He was blinded by some sort of flash grenade on one of his earlier missions with Lee. As a man who is Black and blind, he took the only career path available to him: a blues guitarist.

While Soldier's Fortune features some things we like seeing: camaraderie among the assembled team, some 40-50-year-old punks, and some shooting-based action scenes (not to mention other classic cliches like the prerequisite torture of the hero (es)), it must be said that there isn't a ton of forward drive here, and no suspense whatsoever. It's all kind of staid. There are a smattering of standout details, like the bizarre scene involving a Chucky doll, the fact that Jennifer has a Bon Jovi poster on her wall, the strange names such as T-Max and Link Strutt (Hines), and the occasionally MASH-esque soundtrack. Not to mention Hollis Bodine's knife expertise. But it's all kind of middle-of-the-road.

The plot does prefigure Taken (2008) by many years, but instead of calling in Liam Neeson, she calls in Chad Everett....er, sorry, Gil Gerard, to handle business. If you were in a video store in 1991, with all the other choices on the shelves, it's hard to imagine anyone aggressively opting for Soldier's Fortune. With hindsight, and the advantages of history, we can appreciate certain aspects of it, mainly the solid B-Movie cast of familiar faces. But it all lacks a certain oomph, a certain punch that we've all come to expect.

Soldier's Fortune is by no means bad, but is missing some crucial ingredients to make it a film worth recommending.

Comeuppance Review: Brett and Ty

Transformed (2005)

 

Transformed (2005)- * * *

Directed by: Efren Pinon

Starring: Leo Fong, Stack Pierce, Ken Moreno, Shirlee Knudson, Tadashi Yamashita, Fred Williamson, and George Dilman

Something dastardly is happening in the city of Westgate, California. Drug dealers are running wild in the streets, even recruiting young tots into "the life". Seemingly at the top of this food chain is Cholo (Moreno). But the corruption goes way higher than that: The Mayor (presumably he's Mr. and Mrs. Mayor's son) (Pierce) is acting as a CIA front in order to move drugs to fund their secret, illegal wars. But, on a more local level, Pastor Debra (Knudson) has had enough. Utilizing all the face-punching and groin-kicking that Jesus will allow, she becomes the community hero we didn't know was in our midst during Sunday services.

But Pastor Debra is not alone in her quest to clean up the streets. Besides the aforementioned Jesus, she also has a mysterious man known only as The Fist (Fong), and, of course, The Hammer (Williamson) on her side. But she'll also have perhaps the most unexpected help of all in the form of a certain reformed, or, shall we say, TRANSFORMED man...who will it be? Do your best to try to find out!

Transformed is the type of movie we love finding. It's a gem: a true labor of love that features "real people" - and provides homespun, homemade entertainment at its finest.

However, certain people may not "get it". The production values, if you want to call them that, couldn't really be lower - think Kindergarten "Ninja" (1994) meets Streets of Rage (1993) - but it's all part of the charm. (Plotwise, think Private Wars (1993) meets Street Corner Justice (1996)). Director Pinon and the gang didn't let something trivial like a lack of money stop them from achieving their dream. This is what we have called other, similar films in the past "Backyard Action". If you go with its flow, you will have a smile on your face the entire time as you blissfully float along in its absurd wake.

There are almost too many highlights to mention, and we want you to experience them for yourself, but certain things must be noted. The whole thing kicks off - literally - with an unexplained beating, and then goes into some Commodore 64 graphics. While the release date is 2005, Transformed could easily be from 1989, if not earlier. Not long after, we see Cholo (who in one scene and one scene only is referred to as "Spiderman") running into a Pizza Hut. (This is the first time not only in cinema history, but in world history, that someone has run in to a Pizza Hut. We've seen plenty of people run out of a Pizza Hut, but that's another story for another day).

Cholo has a son named Billy (of COURSE his name is Billy). He wants to keep him separate from his gangbanging life, so he plies him with quickly-received Pizza Hut food and then, after a shot of the Golden Gate Bridge, Cholo and Billy are at Disneyland. The movie stops for some sweet Disneyland footage, but doesn't explain the 400-mile distance covered in mere seconds.

Then the movie stops again so George Dilman (credited solely as "Ninja") can teach a class of what are presumably police recruits the art of attacking people using pressure points. We were happy that Transformed "Transformed" into a special-interest video about self-defense at this point. George Dilman IS a national treasure, and the fact that this was his only film is the real crime here. We later see him on a date, and he's still talking about pressure points. This guy loves his pressure points. He can do a split just like Van Damme but you don't see him bragging about it.

Later, we see a "corruption list" typed up on Microsoft Word, complete with Clippy on the right hand side, who is only trying to help, after all. Proving this was shot in 2005 and not 1989, a partial list of names on the list includes: George W. Rush, Dick Chen, Rumsfelt Johnson, and Byrant Street (whoever that is). I guess they had to cover themselves just in case anyone in Washington watched Transformed and noticed that list and then got mad.

Fan Favorite Leo Fong is also credited with producing the film, shooting the film (along with Frank Harris, an old Fong/Stack Pierce associate), music, and editing. A Ferdinand Galang is also credited with music (whoever did it, it's far louder than the dialogue, which is muffled, and sometimes mumbled by the amateur actors). Stack Pierce all but reprises his 24 Hours to Midnight (1985) role of White Powder Chan. Werner Hoetzinger also has a behind the scenes role to play. We would have liked to have seen him re-team with his Showdown (1993) co-star Fong.

This was the last film, only American film, and only non-Philippines-shot film for director Pinon. That's a shame. The mind boggles at what he would have come up with as a follow-up to Transformed. Also, someone says about The Hammer, "He's a cleaner who doesn't come to town unless he cleans". Hm. In what may be an in-joke, The Hammer is supposedly shooting a film in the Philippines before he flies to Westgate to help Pastor Debra. (Remember in Dead Alive (1992) when Father McGruder says "I kick arse for the Lord"? Well, Pastor Debra does too). (But you don't see her bragging about it).

We'd also be remiss if we didn't mention that Tadashi Yamashita is here too, also credited as "Ninja", which could be confusing for George Dilman fans. His fight (?) with Fred Williamson may not be a classic for the ages but it's a nice display of weaponry by Yamashita.




It's not every day that a team of Pastors have onscreen credits as consultants before a low-budget action film. Pastor Debra yells "Praise Jesus!" after beating up some baddies. Presumably the Pastors said that was okay. This is the type of movie the adults may make the kids watch at some sort of sleepaway Bible camp. And we should treasure every second of it.


A wonderful oddity, do seek out Transformed. It may tranform...you.

Comeuppance Review by Brett and Ty